My Dear Child

My beautiful child, I began writing this letter dozens of times, but my heart grew heavy and my pen trembled and restrained. Although you may comprehend you won’t fully understand why it is so heartbreaking for me, but the day will come and you will feel it. Today I realized that it is foolish to ignore the inevitable, so I want to dedicate this letter to you the love of my life, the sun in my horizon, the glory of my world.

Now you grew up and you can read, but I wrote this when you were much younger and hardly pronounced a few syllables and small words. I visualized the near future and saw you grow big, tall and strong, perhaps too heavy for me to throw you in the air and watch your face glow and your heart giggle. You will find friends that you like and maybe even ones that love you; they will take you away from me, they will remove your presence from mine, you will follow willingly and might not even look back to the void you left in our home, our hearts, and our souls.

I want to tell you so I don’t forget, and that you shall forever know how you lit up our lives with your smile and laughter. How you made us happy with taking a step or even just mumbling some gibberish we thought to be words. How we pushed you in swings to bring joy to your spirit and read you books to entertain your young imagination. How we held hands when you took your first walk in the park and when we bought colorful fruits so you can call their names. The way you cried when you wanted sweet candy and the excitement you expressed when you acquired it. The dance you burst into when your favorite song played, and oh, how many times we replayed that melody.

You should also know about how my heart ached when you felt pain. We’d stay up at night and watch you sleep and pray by your crib that you feel better in the morning. I confess to you that I was scared when I saw a shadow in your moonlit room; I knew your little heart skipped a beat from the fear of dark. Yes, the were times that we had to discipline you and maybe even strike you, but believe me I would rather eat live coals and walk on spears than inflict pain on you, my child. Oh, how we looked forward to your homecoming from school every day, your hands smeared in paint and your face gave testimony to the foods you ate for lunch. How exuberant and celebratory was when you recognized me on the street and hugged my legs with all your might.

So, now you are older. We probably have different opinions and you may feel I don’t understand you and I don’t feel your heart. Oh, my child, please don’t listen to that voice, it’s a foreign one and it’s not the truth. My heart is empty when your smile is removed from it, my world is dark when your light is dimmed. I feel your blood pump through my veins and your oxygen in my lungs. So, although you’ll walk on the path that you pave yourself, I will never leave the fork where you left me, I’ll be watching you and cheer as you run the marathon of life, just as I did when you took your very first step.

Love, Totty

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